What To Say In The First Message

What to say in the first message: Found someone you like but not sure what to say?

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Read below to find out exactly what to say in the first message on an Online Dating Site to ensure your success!

Ok, I’ll start from the beginning as this is an extremely important topic:

So you have looked through a few peoples profiles and found someone that catches your eye, maybe you like them for their appearance, their profile write up, their hobbies, whatever it is, you know you like them. But what shall I say?! I don’t know where to start!

Let me be clear and state that this topic is aimed at the people who are looking for long term partners, NOT casual relationships, e.g. just for sex etc. If that is what you are looking for, this page is not for you.

I really like this person but I don’t know what to say to them in the first message?!

What to say in the first message: The Guidelines: 

1. Read their profile thoroughly

You must ensure that you read their profile thoroughly. This means digesting all the information on them, what their hobbies are, what they do for work, their dreams, ambitions and what they like in a guy. Once you have read all of this and got a good picture of the type of person they are, you can move on to point 2. 

2. The Title

This is a tricky one. Ok, the do not’s first of all then for what to say in the first message: do not use the following words as titles, ‘hi’ ‘hey’ ‘hello’ ‘yo’ ‘alright’ – these will all make a worse impression than not using a title at all!

Titles to use: something personally aimed at her or something funny or eye catching. In most cases you are safer to actually not use a title at all! According to statistics on okcupid, you are better off not using a title of ‘hey’ ‘hi’ etc as this could mean that your message gets deleted! The best title that came up on okcupid was ‘how’s it going,’ according to their statistics: 50% of messages with this title get a response. Personally, I would not use this either; but I can’t argue with the statistics… it’s your choice.

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3. Send a message specifically aimed at your potential dates interests and hobbies, make a connection!

After reading the rule above, you now know a hell of a lot more about her than most people who will send her a message after skimming her profile or in some cases not even reading her write up. Because you haven’t just skim read her write up, you have digested it all, you know a lot about her.

Be specific on a couple of areas but no more than 2 and more than 1! In other words always try to mention 2 key points about her write up. If 1 of her hobbies is tennis, you could say how you also enjoy a good game of tennis, give a brief explanation of why you love tennis, but don’t write an essay, keep it personal but brief. Make a connection! 

4. Ask Questions!

This one is great! Give her a reason to reply to you, how do you do this? Well apart from your great picture, lifestyle, amazing write up and humour… ask her a question! It may sound obvious but a lot of people do not do this. If the person you are messaging likes to play the saxophone, ask her what her favourite piece of music is. And here is something that you may not have thought of, after you have asked her a question, you should make a suggestion! In this case, suggest that she listens to a piece of music that you love (make sure it’s absolutely amazing!) She’s bound to be impressed. 

5. Don’t give too much about yourself away

You want to remain slightly mysterious, if she knows everything about you before the date, then there is nothing to look forward to and she will lose interest in some cases; It just won’t be as exciting! Dating is all about getting to know the other person and finding out things about them, she may know that you like to dance, but what sort of dancing do you like? How good are you? These are all things to save for the first date, it means that you have something to talk about.

What to say in the first message 

6. Do not state how good looking she is

This is an extremely important part of what to say in the first message; do not say: ‘wow you’re really beautiful’ or ‘wow, you are stunning’ as this will not work on a woman (unless she is in fact unattractive) then this will work!

Telling a woman that she is really beautiful is a big no no, as with my other advice throughout this site, never tell a woman that she is beautiful until you actually get to a 1-on-1 date with her; that’s when you tell her how beautiful she looks. Do not say ‘I love your smile’ or ‘you have beautiful eyes’ etc etc, anything to do with her image and she has heard it all before, every chump on the site has probably already said that to her! If you’re going to comment on anything, comment on how beautiful her bracelet is in her picture and ask her about it, women usually have a story behind their jewellery. 

7. Be confident but not arrogant

We all want to make a great first impression right? Confidence is very attractive. Most people would rate confidence as something that they look for in a partner. However, be careful, there is a very fine line between confidence and arrogance. Even if you are not being arrogant, some women will see it as that, women are not always good at spotting confidence and misinterpret what you are saying or doing; a lot of the time, it’s their mistake – but you don’t want to take the risk – play it safe and don’t go overboard with trying to impress your potential date.

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8. Impress!

A lot of you don’t like to talk about yourselves and your good points and achievements. I’m the same, I don’t like to brag about the things I’ve done in life, and I have done a lot of things in my life! But I’ve realized that if you don’t brag about your achievements, no one else will do it for you! There’s a fine balance between being proud of yourself and being a show off, I prefer to win women over with my personality and then let them know about my achievements later as this really makes a date go off with a bang.

It is completely up to you, but if you are new to the whole online dating scene and you want to know what to say in the first message then I would say to use everything at your disposal! Impress! Just don’t brag! No one wants to hear how you are the best at everything and no one can touch you… But on the other hand, people do want to hear that you have won trophies and awards for your hobby or job – now that is attractive, it show’s ambition, drive and discipline. People women want to date winners in life! 

9. Mixing humour with seriousness

Keep your message light hearted, don’t come across all serious:

‘hi I’m looking for my dream girl and you could be it, do you want to go on a date with me?’ – will not work! It will get deleted unless the woman is absolutely desperate or is just as weird as you are! To any sane woman, this would set the alarm bells ringing instantly. On the other hand, being overly funny will also get you deleted, jokes are a no no, save them for the date (if you must, I personally hate 1 liners and so do most of the women I know.) It really is a fine balance to get the tone of the message just right – you want to show yourself to not take things too seriously and you can have a laugh but at the same time being clear in your head that you actually want to get a date with this person. Laughter is the way to a woman’s heart (if you don’t can’t afford diamonds : ) 

10. Keep it light

You have heard me talk about this in my other pages so I won’t go on about this too much here. You should always keep dating light and fun. Once you start to take things seriously, this is when you will FAIL at dating. Women don’t want to date someone who is really serious and is taking the whole dating business like a job interview – that’s not what it’s about. Dating is about having fun and having a good time with someone that you share chemistry with. Go out there and enjoy yourself!

What to say in the first message 

11. No Swearing

I’m not sure why so many people decide to put swear words in messages, but let me be clear, no woman wants to read a message with swear words in – no one. It is not nice to read and most women will delete and block you straight away. what to say in the first message? Anything other than swearing unless you want to get blocked… 

12. Specific beliefs that you have

This one is extremely important. If you have strong beliefs in any area, not necessarily religion, keep them to yourself at this stage. If you are a Christian for example, use a Christian dating site, it’s just common sense, then you won’t get this issue. Overall, people tend to get scared off by others religious beliefs, they don’t know what to expect so they just avoid you all together – I’m no different, I do the same, I don’t want to date someone who has restrictions on what they can do in life.

If for example, your belief is on politics, keep this to yourself for the moment! All these things which you may think are small and insignificant to your write up are a big deal to other people! 

13. Don’t write an essay, but don’t write 2 lines either.

What to say in the first message? Length is important….. wait, I mean the message length is important. Writing 1 or 2 lines will get your message deleted more often than not. Yes it may be witty and smart, but most of the time, this message will not get a response. The same goes for an essay, writing an essay is a sure way to not get a response, it comes across as a little creepy, the fact that you have put so much effort and energy into writing this huge essay spells out slightly obsessive.

What is the ideal message length? Just enough to cover all the points I have spoken about above, there is no ideal size, whether it’s 4 lines or 14 lines, it all depends on what you have to say to cover all the areas above. To not state that you too are also a dolphin trainer like her, just so you can abide by the essay rule would be silly! Sometimes, you need to write longer messages if you are sure that you and this person could be perfect for each other. 

14. Spell check!

Ok, so you’ve drafted your perfect message, you have followed my guidelines above, everything looks perfect, you’re sure of a reply, and then oh wait, no reply; what happened? Did you spell check your work?! 90% of people do not spell check their message. To me, this is crazy! You spend all that time and effort working out what to say in the first message, only to not copy and paste it into a word doc to complete a 30 second spell check! Do you now see how crazy this sounds? It’s simple, open a Microsoft Word or Pages document: copy your message, paste it in to Word or Pages, and that’s it, the spell check will underline any mistakes for you. Correct your mistakes, then again copy and paste your message back in to the dating site. DONE. 2 minute job.

What to say in the first message 

Avoid:

• Pick up lines

• Mentioning your ex partner

• Being boring

• Sending a copied and pasted message

• Using words like sexy, gorgeous etc

• Winking – it’s pointless

• Making sexual references

• Asking for personal info

• Saying how you hate online dating or feel embarrassed to be using it

• Asking for contact details off site

What to say in the first message

A few points to take note of: 

• Women with a good picture receive 10 times the amount of messages that a man does (at least.)

• Men are twice as likely to respond to a message as a woman is.

• Women will delete your message straight away if they don’t like your picture without even giving you a chance. Harsh but true fact of online dating life.

• Whereas a lot of guys are on here to find a decent woman, most of the women are on here to find ‘the perfect man’ who for most, just doesn’t exist, they haven’t found him off line so they naively think they will find him on-line. This makes it extremely difficult for average guys to meet women on-line.

• Don’t worry if she doesn’t respond or deletes your message, she is probably getting overwhelmed with messages.

• If you have followed all my rules on online dating and she deletes your message, don’t sweat it, it’s no big deal, you just avoided a potentially selfish relationship there – good job!

The people who delete your messages without replying or acknowledging are not worth your time. You must realize though that some attractive women will be receiving mountains of messages a day! They are the exception to the rule and you can’t blame these women for just deleting your message if it doesn’t make the grade.

If you were good enough for her, you wouldn’t get deleted and there is only 1 thing to do in this situation – raise your game! Go and get a better photo taken, re-read this page when sending messages and the rest should fall into place.

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What to say in the first message: Online Dating Advice

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