Attraction Theory: What makes us attracted to each other?

Attraction Theory: What makes us attracted to each other?

Attraction Theory

After receiving a number of emails asking me, what exactly is ‘attraction’ and ‘how do I generate attraction?’ I have decided to write these 2 articles:

Part 1: Covers a lot of evolutionary traits and beliefs and why we are attracted to some people and not others.

Part 2: Breaks down exactly ‘how to generate attraction’

What is Attraction?

This is what the dictionary says:

Noun: 1. The act or capability of attracting.

  1. The quality of attracting; charm.
  2. a. A feature or characteristic that attracts. b. A person, place, thing, or event that is intended to attract: The main attraction was a Charlie Chaplin film. c. The electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together. d. The gravitational force exerted by one body on another.
  3. a. The electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together. b. The gravitational force exerted by one body on another.

Did that help you at all? Of course not! You need to know ‘how’ to create attraction.

Attraction is the chemical reaction that your brain sends to the rest of your body when you see or talk with someone that you like. Side effects include:

• Increased heart rate and breathing.

• A flush of blood to the cheeks and chest.

• Nervousness and an inability to be yourself in some cases.

• A feeling of happiness and energy within your body.

Attraction Theory: How do I generate attraction?

This is highly complex, a number of people have come up with formulas and equations and even methods to explain attraction theory. I am not going to even attempt to explain the complexity of these theories, because (a) It is too time consuming and (b) it won’t make a difference to most of you anyway because you don’t care how your TV works, just as long as it does right?!

This is what the experts say:

Attraction theory is based primarily on the passing down of our genes to the next generation. This mentality is due to evolutionary thought processes.

But as with all things, I believe there is a flaw in the experts’ argument, what is it? Homosexuality. If attraction theory is based on the passing on of our genes through reproduction, then how do we explain homosexual relationships where the couple know that they can never have children with each other as it is by the laws of nature, physically impossible!

There is of course also the argument of couples who do not want to have children; when surveyed, no huge fluctuations were noted between these couples and couples wanting to have children.

Having watched ‘the twins study’ on UK Channel 4 earlier in 2009, I have been fascinated by the findings. The show proved through their research on thousands of sets of both identical and non identical twins that who we become in life can be determined by 50% genetic and 50% environmental factors.

That is to say that homosexuality is partly genetic but also partly environmental. A set of twins living on opposite sides of the world could both have a ‘homosexual’ gene but only 1 of the twins actually becomes gay. Scientists believe that through environment the other brothers ‘homosexual’ gene could be turned off. It can also work the other way around in that both twins had ‘heterosexual’ genes but through environment, 1 of the brothers’ ‘homosexual’ gene had been turned on. Quite confusing isn’t it?

Basically, scientists are now saying that homosexuality is 50% genetic and 50% environmental.

Attraction Theory: Do opposites really attract?

We are attracted to people who are similar to ourselves, we have always known that, but what about the saying: ‘opposites attract’, surely both theories can’t be correct?!

The reason for the like attraction is because we are attracted to those who are just like us, we are at a point in our lives when we are in our ideal setting in both mind and body and we are happy with this, now we want someone similar to us.

The opposites attract saying is due to the same principle, except, we are not yet at the stage where we are happy with ourselves. So whether you find people who are totally opposite to you attractive, could suggest that your subconscious secretly wishes you could be more like them. Now, you may be thinking that this is untrue for you, but the fact is, we are talking about your subconscious mind here, not your conscious mind, the subconscious is far more powerful than you conscious mind, it never sleeps and never stops working.

Without consulting with an expert and tapping in to the power of your subconscious mind, you have no way of knowing how your subconscious is thinking. The flaw I can see to this argument is prison convicts and the female staff who watch over them; I can’t see why the female staff would want to be like the criminal stuck behind bars with no options and no freedom. Yet a lot of female prison staff are attracted to some of the inmates. You could however, apply the bad boy theory to this scenario and assume that it is a short term physical attraction only and not a long term relationship wish.

What is for sure is that ‘attraction theory’ is a very complicated and controversial theory to explain and to do so within a short article like this is very difficult indeed! There are just too many variables and unexplained elements associated with attraction theory for me to put down in these 2 pages.

Attraction Theory: The Survey

A survey was conducted into attraction theory with the results hitting a lot of people in the community as quite a shock. The study/survey found that the way we view attraction is very similar to the way in which animals view attraction.


Women tend to look for a man who can provide the best lifestyle and security for their family. This is one of the reasons why you often see women with older men. Many men see this type of woman as a ‘gold digger’ amongst other names….. but in actual fact, these women are only using their assets to their advantage and giving themselves a good and happy lifestyle.

In effect they are doing exactly the same thing as the man, he prefers the younger woman for health and ego reasons and the woman prefers the older man for maturity and security reasons. I believe that a lot of the guys with bitterness towards attractive women with older men are just jealous because they want the woman for themselves.


In the majority of men surveyed, they said that they tend to go purely for image when selecting a female partner, they wanted the best looking woman they could get and they wanted her to be in great shape physically. But what was surprising was the fact that most men opted for the hourglass figure over the slim figure in a woman when talking about marriage and children.

Evolutionary Psychology – Men: The selection of a female partner in men is due mainly to health and fertility reasons. The subconscious figures that a healthy full figured woman will stand a better chance of producing healthy offspring.

Evolutionary Psychology – Women: The selection of a male partner in women is due mainly to security reasons. The subconscious figures that a man with good security can take care of her and her children.

The Facts on Attraction Theory

The study showed that women preferred an older man and rated his security and wealth as the main thing that attracted her to him. By security this term covers a broad range of attributes like (finances, status, position at work, assets (house, car,) and love shown towards her or her children.)

His wealth and status were the overriding factors of choice in the case of the woman from countries all over the world covering 6 continents. Now, I understand that a lot of you will be reading this and saying “what a load of rubbish!

“I go for this or I go for that…” but a survey of 10,000 people cannot be wrong, perhaps you do go for looks or personality but not everyone thinks the same way as you do. In Western Countries I personally believe this to be incorrect due to the new found freedom that women have in work and lifestyle. I believe that Western women go for appearance, personality and the man’s lifestyle as a package.

In non Western countries however, you must remember that women do not have the freedom and finances that women have in our society, some women have no choice but to marry for security. Assuming this belief has been filtered down through the generations in these countries, I can only come to the conclusion that this has become ingrained into the mentality of a lot of women, particularly from their mothers.

Men on the other hand almost always chose the younger woman and most based their selection on appearance alone; I think we all knew that already! Men are very simple creatures and have very simple needs.

This study was conducted over almost 40 different cultures over 6 continents throughout the world. This suggests that these findings cannot be due to environment alone and therefore, genetics must somehow play a role, just how big a role genetics plays in attraction is something that science is still working on…..

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